Understanding Grief
What is Grief?
Grief is the complex of emotions we experience in response to a meaningful loss. It's very natural to not only experience sorrow, but also anger, resentment, fear, anxiety, guilt, shame, and even relief.
Meaningful loss is not only from the death of a loved one. It can also occur from the loss of important relationships through divorce, adoption, substance abuse, chronic illness, and estrangement. And it includes other losses, such as the loss of a sense of safety in response to experiencing violence, displacement, or job loss, or any other loss related to our sense of place, identity or purpose.
Supporting Yourself and Others in Grief
Grief is a very natural part of life and it touches all of us universally. Yet we are often uncomfortable around grief and unsure of how to respond to it. As the person experiencing grief, we may not know exactly what we need from others, or those needs may change moment by moment. As the person next to the griever, we may struggle to find the right response as we try to bring comfort and avoid adding to their distress.
Every grief experience is unique, and there is no single formula that is guaranteed to work with everyone in every circumstance. But we can identify the responses that most people in grief say are not effective, and provide general guidelines to consider for how to stay connected with yourself and with others when grief is present.
For Those Experiencing Grief
Assume the Best
It may be very helpful to remind yourself of the person’s intention. Remembering that they are uncomfortable, and probably very worried about saying the wrong thing, may help you accept, and even draw support from, the awkward things people say.
Communicate What You Need
We don’t live in a culture that encourages us to state our needs clearly and respectfully, yet it’s the foundation of healthy communication and connection. It’s ok to let someone know that you need to be alone, that you need to cry, that you want to talk about your loss or loved one, or even that you don’t know what you need in that moment. This can help the person close to you then decide if they are willing and able to meet that need, and removes the guesswork for them on how to bring you comfort or support as you navigate each day after your loss.
For Those Relating to Someone in Grief
What Usually Doesn't Help:
Empty or untrue platitudes
"Time heals all wounds"
Assuming they share your spiritual beliefs
"God has a plan" or "They're in a better place"
Minimizing their pain
"At least they're in a better place / you can have another child / there is a silver lining..."
Comparisons
"I know exactly how you feel"
Fixing
"My advice is / why don't you try..."
What Often Can Help:
Acknowledge the pain as normal and natural
"I'm so sorry you're going through this / all of your feelings are natural / Whatever you feel is valid and ok"
Offer concrete, practical help
"May I bring you food / drop by to do some light cleaning / take the kids out"
Provide steady, consistent presence.
Many people in grief say the feelings of loneliness increase after the first few weeks, as well-wishers stop checking in.
Create a compassionate and sincere space for them to talk about their loved one (human or animal!) or loss
"What was his/her name"
"What's your favorite memory of them / story about them?"
"How do you like to remember them?"
"Do you want to tell me about that night / when that happened?"
If they accept your offer to share, simply listen without judgment, asking follow up questions to let them know you are hearing them and are interested in what they are sharing. Refrain from offering advice unless it's requested.
Most importantly, have compassion for yourself!
Grief is messy and often awkward. Chances are good we will say the wrong thing, or at the wrong time. Making space for this with sincerity and warmth only helps us all deepen our connections with ourselves and with each other.